tugrik

A strange thing happened while riding around yesterday -- and it happened on one wheel. But that's for a post later today.

Right now I'm just trying to decide how to feel about a few things, and coming to an odd realzation about something taught to me as a kid. It's been a fun weekend, but it's also been a weekend off odd feelings.

When it comes to social graces while growing up, I was always a bit gruff and a bit clueless. I wasn't so much rude as I didn't keep myself very aware of how to make others feel at ease around me. Simple things like holding a door open longer for someone coming up from behind, or asking someone to pass something at the table instead of just reaching out for it. It took a long time to sink in that these things were polite and at times socially necessary. Some took longer than others. One in particular I didn't get was the whole 'saying thanks' thing. My mom would always have to sternly remind me to write thank-you letters to grandmas and aunts sending presents at holidays, and such like that. I vividly remember as a kid thinking how it was such an inefficient formality. My rationale was that if the person receiving the gift or act of kindness seemed to enjoy it and make use of it, wasn't that enough? The whole please/thankyou game was just kinda extra chatter on the communications channel.

It took until I got a lot older before I found out how much better some of those bits of 'extra chatter' are. This weekend is a perfect example, as I found myself in a bit of a funk over them.

I've had a decently philanthropic week -- or at least I tried my best. Since I won't be going to BurningMan after all (long story), I sent my solar panels, batteries, and wind towers to some folks at the AEZ for them to use. I sent an old computer to a friend I'd made through the workplace, as he had no machine for use at home until his stuff gets shipped up here from San Diego in a few weeks. I bought a very pricey dinner for four people (and I mean $pricey$, even by my standards) even though it was kind of dumped on me instead of asked of me. I threw a big BBQ party to try and get a new housemate and her friend a chance to meet the locals.

In each case... all I'd hoped for in return was a simple "Thank you" or even a nod amongst friends. The AEZ folks swiped up the equipment without comment. The work-friend grumped at me that the computer didn't have enough memory. I wish the two people who dumped their meal-bill on me would have at least had the decency to thank me for the three-digit-sum I found myself paying instead of just walking off without a word or a care in the world. (the fourth was my sister, who I brought with me explicitly to buy dinner for, so she's cool). The new houseguest and her friend (who is now gone off home) spent 90% of the party hiding in their room. The friend only came out to swipe food, glare at a few folks, and then run off to the airport. Funny how only hours earlier they told me they were specifically staying around so they could meet-and-greet...

What I hate the most about this is that while I feel hurt, I feel really dumb for feeling hurt. Giving things away normally makes me feel good, and I try to do it whenever I get the opportunity. The idea here is to give and be glad you gave -- not to expect something in return. These kinds of things should not affect me. Still, it's a hard feeling to shake and has had me kind of mopy since the week began.. Most of all, it's taught me a lesson I should have learned when much younger. I know now why one should convince their kids to write thank-you letters and such -- even if so simple, it does great things. I just hope all those times as a kid where I blew off Grandma or Aunt Tammy after christmas by not writing a thank-you note didn't feel the same, but I'm sure it probably did.